so we have it, the old feelings of ennui are back again. i always think that christmas vacation is way too long. two weeks. GEEZ. what do i do for two weeks at home without a mode of transportation around the place.

anyways, i'm just griping needlessly. i could talk on AIM, but curiously enough, i've found that i don't really like talking on AIM anymore. i rarely IM ppl first anymore, unless it's to say happy birthday or something. and even when people IM me i don't usually keep up the thread of conversation very well (except in some occasions when the conversation happens to interest me), namely for several reasons: 1) there's usually about 5 other conversations going on at the same time, 2) i get too distracted by things/ppl around me. hooray for shiny things, 3) it's so much more meaningful/fun/interesting to talk to people in real life. you can see how they react, their emotions, etc. this is why i don't think that a long distance relationship would ever work for me. maybe it would work if i was really zealous/in love or whatever they call it nowadays, but there's just too much other stuff around me to keep me well distracted. i'm already distracted and absent-minded as it is, i need a physical presence to keep me well grounded.

(side note: i used to think that i could pull thru a long-distance relationship just fine. but it proved to be otherwise for me. perhaps it was mostly my fault. and that is why i applaud and hold a deep respect for those who have managed to do it)

well, u say. self-control. ok fine, but when you're merely a voice on the other end of the phone or typed-in words popping up in an AIM window, it's not the same. oh yea i forgot to mention, i'm a physical person. i need physical presence. that's just the way i am i guess. is that wrong though? i've always wondered about that but never really asked anyone about that. i suppose different people have different opinions, so that's another moral debate that i won't try to muddle with.

but on the other, simply and solely "physical" does not work for me. while talking to people, i observe them, take mental notes of what they do when they listen, what they do when they talk, how they react to various things i say. and i love it because they never realize i'm doing it. different people see me in different ways because of the way i present myself to them. oh, i'm absent-minded, lacking common sense, and gullible, those are three characteristics of me that will never change. but i especially love it when people think that i'm more dumb than i actually am (no sarcasm). more so, i'm amused by it, and as a result, don't really try to make an effort to change that image (well it depends on who i'm dealing with, and if that person really matters or not). yea, you may argue that this is a pretty damn stupid thing to do. and i know i'm playing a pretty dangerous game by doing that, but that's the beauty of it. i'll leave it up to you to interpret that statement however you wish.

you see, i really like people and hate to think that i don't get along with some ppl....and i really do care about them. i'm too trusting - i always trust a person until they do something that proves that they're not trustable. innocent until proven guilty, i guess. but when proven guilty, it takes a long time for me to trust in them again. i hate rumors. i especially hate rumors being spread about me that aren't true. it's even worse when adults are fucking hypocrites themselves and spread the rumors. oh, ok i'm griping again, even tho this happened like a year ago. unfortunately, rather than knowing who the exact people are, i only have a general knowledge of in which group these people belong in. what a shame, because now i have a bad image of that entire group, even though i know that most of them didn't even have anything to do with it. ay, que pena! oh wait...what was it again? forgive and forget? interesting. i can forgive, but it's pretty hard to forget. so does that mean that i didn't REALLY forgive then? these little complexities always do amuse me so. but it makes everything so confusing. why? religion confuses me. physics confuses me as well. hm. not a good combination.

i'm wondering why i just wrote all that for the public to read, especially since my blog has gotten me in trouble more than once. but then, i guess it remains up to you, the reader, to determine whether or not i've been lying the entire time i've been writing this post. scary thought, isn't it? i could just totally be making up things the entire time, creating a dual false personality for myself. i wonder if that's how authors feel sometimes when creating characters for a book.

but the question is if i lie or not. well, i'm pretty damn bad at lying to someone when talking to them face to face, cuz i start laughing at the idea of "what if they don't realize i'm lying?"but what if i'm on blog? what if i don't face anyone at all? what if people think that i'm lying when i'm not and what if people think that i'm not lying when i am?


damn books. they make me think too much. i love reading.

it's sunday night/monday morning and i don't feel like doing work or going to bed or talking on AIM, so here's the result of that-->

1.What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? oh man. LOTS of stuff. lots of which happened at rice this past summer and at college too. lab research, getting to experience college life minus the work, having to deal with drunk people (with..uh... interesting results), talking instead of doing work, sleeping over in random places, PLAY IN THE SNOW
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? hmm..i think i tend to forget all my resolutions anyways
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? haha. does it count if my roommate dreamed that she was pregnant and had a baby girl? (lolol don't ask)
4. Did anyone close to you die? yea.....more than one.....=(
5. What countries did you visit? none. unless you want to count Rice as its own country in the midst of Houston
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? less gullibility =P
7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 5/14/04 (spanish literature AP test!!!..haha ok that makes me sound like the biggest nerd ever but i thought that had to be the coolest test i've ever taken, and probably will ever take..yall have no idea what an awesome test that was....no sarcasm), 5/29/04 (graduation), 7/7/04 (the day i prepared genomic DNA by myself! hehe. damn i really do sound nerdy. and it's only gonna get worse.....), 7/16/04 - 7/17/04 (finally got to do the IMMUNOPRECIPITATION!!!), 9/18/04 (well. i have my own reasons for remembering this date, even though it wasn't necesarily a positive event)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? my senior recital. thanks again to everyone who came - it meant so much to me =)
9. What was your biggest failure? not being able to understand myself
10. Did you suffer any illness or injury? lol. does lack of sleep count?
11. What was the best thing you bought? the best things can't be bought with money =)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? sra. ramos, jenna, javadi, myers, valeria, apoorva, jace, punag, steve, troy, ron ron, issao, sam, mavis, myhre, bryan, matt, lauren (haha. it may seem like an odd list, but it's a very carefully thought-out list, and i have my reasons. some are reasons which you might not even know about)
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? um. it would be better to not name people. seeing how my recklessness with my blog has gotten me in trouble more than once. but i got very appalled/depressed one night at rice last summer, let's just leave it at that.
14. Where did most of your money go? hehe...FOOD!!! and cake and brownie mixes.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? MIT...and also going to lab every morning during the summer =P
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? three songs actually, in this order: 1) "yesterday" by the beatles - HAHA once again, inspired by my summer at rice, 2) "nada que perder" by mana - jeff and i would randomly bust out in the middle of the hallway singing "Yo tengo que vivir,/el tiempo es corto/tengo valor y no temor/ porque,yo creo en algo/yo tengo que soñar/así nadie me va a parar/así puedo volar." and then simon would always join in, and 3) "terrapin station" by the grateful dead. well, there are reasons for this song that i don't want to explain.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? tricky question, especially since the question specifies "this time last year." well, gotta answer the question right? at this EXACT time last year, i was prolly happier but more frustrated. on the general though, i'd have to say, i'm happier now
ii. thinner or fatter? hahaha. not answering this question.
iii. richer or poorer? richer, seeing how i actually have an "allowance" now
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? piano and violin. it's heartbreaking to not be able to devote as much time as u want to something you love.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? goofing off.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? SUGAR LAND, TEXAS, baby!
22. Did you fall in love in 2004? even if i did, i would never admit to it
23. How many one-night stands?.....one-night stand? what in the world is that? it sounds like something you'd buy at IKEA
24. What was your favorite TV program? FUTBOL EN ESPANOL..hehehe...and during the summer, it was our weekly ritual to watch "last comic standing"
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? nope. don't be hatin'
26. What was the best book you read? THIS year, it would have to be Brave New World
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?Mana!!! well it was more a revelation than a new discovery
28. What did you want and get? the best summer i could have ever asked for =D
29. What did you want and not get? i'm quoting Liberty on this one: "For boys to not be so dumb, yo."
30. What was your favorite film of this year? i'm sure a lot of good films came out, i was just too busy catching up on films from previous years that i didn't see a lot of the ones this year.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 18!!! turned LEGAL!!! well, first mavis (my awesome roommate)surprises me with a cake at around midnight or so. then later on in the evening, frank came over, and half my floor gathered in our suite kitchen to sing and eat. and then i had to sit through an incredibly boring MITSO rehearsal (which i fell asleep in), and when i finally made it to SIGMA NU around 11 pm or so, the pledges and charlie plus surprised me by singing to me...hehe..and then the rest of the brothers surprised me with another cake that issao and ron ron had made (it was sooo good!!!) and we kinda celebrated from then on at the house eating cake and such (I LOVE SIGMA NU)
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? if only the summer program at rice/m.d. anderson was longer.....
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? casual. whatever is comfy. and clean. and not slutty-looking
34. What kept you sane? definitely the friends. yall are the BEST. oh yea, the the spanish readings too.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? no one really
36. What political issue stirred you the most? the election. only because it stirred me from my sleep cuz the people in the lounge were loud and were there the entire night.
37. Who did you miss? high school friends, rice friends
38. Who was the best new person you met? JENNA. the most crazy/cool person in the world. who else could tell stories about Nasir and iranian weather? hehe
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Things always end up ok in the end if you're willing to make it happen. and if it's not ok, it's NOT the end
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: i'll do this in a later post

MERRY XMAS TO ALL YALL!!!

and just when you thought it couldn't get any better...it decided to SNOW in houston too! first white christmas in the region since 1989

there was actually about the same amount of snow as it had been in boston the very first time it snowed....not quite as deep as it was the NIGHT of the first snow, but i mean the first snow as in the snow that was falling right before and during my math test that day. needless to say i was staring out the window half the time during that math test. anyways, actually i think there was a more snow than that. there was a good layer of snow on the ground (i'd say 3/4 inch or so), and my brother managed to make a pretty decent-sized snowman bottom. about a foot and a half in diameter. nice. and i took some pretty pictures of a flower in the middle of snow.

found a text message from david on my phone. i'm not completely sure, but i'm pretty sure that jenna told me before that t-mobile charges u ten cents for every text message u receive. oops. oh well, it was a nice message tho. called him back and found that the poor kid was stuck at some chinese family gathering thing. haha oh the agony of those. only benefit is that u get free food out of it if you're not the one hosting it. but anyways, it was nice to catch up with old friends from high school. no one from my school this year has gotten into MIT yet, which doesn't surprise me too much. especially seeing how the ones i thought would have a really good shot all either 1) didn't apply, 2) didn't apply early action, 3) would prefer to go to wash. U (james and ronald, u buttheads =P), or 4) got deferred =(....come on we need more austin ppl, or else phillip and i will be the only ones left next year!!!!

ahh...surprisingly, i find myself missing campus a lot. it's definitely because i miss the people though. academically speaking, i know that i'll be a lot more satisfied with this place when i get past the GIRs. it kinda makes me sad, because i know that i'm gonna really not like 7.013 at all, even tho it's bio...just because it's one of those introductory courses that try to teach u too much stuff in too broad a context at one time. sorry, don't mean to be rude or anything, just expressing my opinion. u don't have to read any further. anyways, i kinda have a problem with learning like that. i'm sure that even i would love physics if we didn't try to barrel our way through everything so quickly. it's like that with all subjects. biology. chemistry. i mean, give me like a SINGLE topic. like immunology. then i'll sit down. even 5.112 was mildly disappointing. i started liking it a lot better when prof. cummins came in though. 1) he was a much better lecturer, 2) his voice didn't bounce annoyingly around in ur head, and 3) i really liked how so much of what he covered centered around molecular orbital theory. i think academically, that was the only thing i found first semester that actually matched what i thought i'd experience at this place. oh, don't get me wrong, though. i guess i have to back down somewhat though. can't have an all-negative post, can we? i actually did learn tons of physics too. not that i will ever use it again, but in the end i have to admit that i'm glad i learned it. even though the problem sets and mastering physics literally brought me to tears sometimes (yea yea ok. those of u think that 8.01 is easy, stop laughing cuz it wasn't easy for me)....i'm still damn glad i learned that damn stuff. cuz it actually forced me to learn it.

but anyways. what was i talking about? oh yea the people at MIT. yea. i miss them. i really do. i still love all the ppl back here in texas like crazy, but i miss college life and people too. IAP will be hella fun. no WORK! it will be kinda like an imitation of martel/rice/m.d.anderson all over again!!! but minus the trampoline and the humidity, and plus the snow.

back in boston on the 3rd...until then....rock on in sugar land, baby!

IT'S SNOWING IN HOUSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ah. hate to admit it. but damn, i miss the humidity =P

niral and i were talking about how awesome it would be to live in the southern hemisphere and go to school in the north or something. that way, you could come back home during xmas break and have it be all warm and sunny and stuff.

i love the cold (which is why i go out in 20 degree weather wearing flip flops and no socks), but i have to say, i can't live without my yearly dose of heat and humidity. i think that maybe it's because i'm just a very..physical..? person. i like feeling intense things. ah, that sounds wrong, never mind. but don't give me any of that wishy-washy shit. hate the drizzle, love the thunderstorm. and if it has to humid, then by all means, bring on the humidity. there's nothing worse than a mild humidity, because you find yourself wishing that the humidity would just either go or come and not just stay there in the wishy-washy zone. but yes, i do realize that i just contradicted something that i said in my last post. i think i mentioned that i like ambiguity and stuff. true, but only in things that are intangible. if it involves physical feeling, then it canNOT be ambiguous. it has to be total.

but it was a very productive day today. i finished off some more xmas cards, got an application, got some Rice gear (hehehehehe), and even got my music in line. and i've come to terms more with my feelings. hooray.


and one more thing.. "save the apple cider!" <--- lol. me and niral's first reaction when we were about to be splattered with dirty water by a metrobus.

HAHA. ok i want to know who linked to my blog by typing "chris javadi" into a search engine..lol

but in other words, i guess it's time for some reflection. reflection on what? i'm not so sure myself. reflection on this year? reflection on years passed? as my blog entries have never quite had a coherent flow to them and as i always tend to just write whatever pops in my head at the time (which, trust me, is probably a bad idea....i've gotten in trouble in the past for what i've written on the blog. mostly because i keep forgetting that people actually read this thing), i guess you'll find out as you continue reading.

so if you've known me long enough by now, you'll know that, let's face it, i'm an idealist. i don't live in the present. i live only in the past and in the speculative future. i belive in reality only because i am part of it. it's hard to explain it, and it's one of those things that you may not understand even if i do manage to explain it - because it's one of those things that you have to feel yourself. i live in a fantasy world full of knights in shining armor and magical creatures. so cliche, i know. and no, i'm not hallucinating. perhaps that's why i feel that i am constantly in a struggle.

a struggle towards something that i'm never able to quite obtain. in my dreams, i'm always chasing after something, or being chased by something, or fighting/struggling against an unknown entity. i sometimes wonder who the enemy is. "The enemy's gate is down." ten points if you can correctly name the book(s) that quote is from. Is the enemy's gate really always down? i know that i may be interpreting the quote in the wrong context, but to say that the enemy's gate is always DOWN seems to place the enemy at a distance from oneself. two separate identities. el enemigo y usted tienen identidades diferentes. pues, es verdad? what if the enemy is yourself? not saying that we all have split personalities and whatnot, but what if you all of a sudden wake up and find that you're fighting yourself? maybe not necessarily physically fighing yourself, but maybe something more like you're fighting internally against some inner desire, urge, of yours. i don't know. this year has so stripped me of so much confidence that sometimes i wonder what it is that i still DO know. does that make any sense at all?

i sometimes feel like i'm losing my ability to write. losing the motivation to write. i remember when i used to write in my blog almost daily. i remember when i'd write to...to...to someone almost daily. i just went back and read everything that we used to write to each other. and afterwards, now, i'm not really sure what i'm feeling about that. i guess it was nice when it lasted, but life moves on, i guess. maybe i'm just being callous here, but i'm trying very hard to not get emotional.

no. don't get me wrong. i have long since completely turned around and not turning back again. fate works on funny ways indeed, don't you think? i don't quite remember anymore (or is it because i don't let myself remember anymore..?), but when we broke up back then i guess i had been like, oh why the hell is this happening to me, blah blah. but things happen. and you meet different people. and new people. and new things happen. you meet different people and different points in your life, and curiously enough (for me at least), i always seem to meet those people at the points in my life when i most needed to meet that certain person. i can certainly attest for that from personal experience this year at school. and i can attest to that from this past summer at Rice, too. everytime i think about how i actually did NOT want to apply to that program at first, i want to laugh. the people i met there were...just amazing. you know how sometimes the simplest words convey the strongest meanings? i could rave on for paragraphs about how much i loved these people, but i think that the strongest meaning comes through if i just simply describe them as "amazing." keeping the description short and powerful, because i can't describe it any other way. i mean, that's where i met my best friend. now what would have happened if i hadn't gone to that summer program? not sure, but there definitely would have been a bigger gap in my life. sometimes you just meet people who influence you and your life and the way you think forever. i met a handful of people like that in high school. i met a TON of people like that in the summer right after high school. and right now, it's back to the useful handful, and i can't quite figure out why, and it's bugging the hell outta me.

a couple weeks ago, i was talking on AIM to an old friend from home who now goes to stanford, and i don't remember what it was (ok, actually that's a lie. i do remember what it was, but i don't want to write about it now though), but all of a sudden, that something that he said, it just hit me like crazy. hit me so hard that i had to close my room door because i didn't want anyone else to hear me, or to come in unexpectedly and find me in that condition. and i saw how the people there and the people here are different, and i knew that it would never be the same.

ok, that was a bad idea. i shouldn't have brought up that topic, because i don't want to explain more than i already have. oh man, whoever's reading this blog and has actually gotten this far, i applaud you, because by this time it's probably getting pretty damn hard to figure out what the hell i'm talking about.




i babble on and on mostly because i realize that i kinda actually miss you and only by talking (writing) so much does it actually help me fill the void, because i can pretend like you're here listening to me ramble on and on. and the funny thing is...you don't even know that it's you. you'll read this and wonder who i'm referring to, but you'll never guess that it's yourself. you'll think that it's someone else, and you'll wonder why i'm writing this to that person, but you will overlook what should be the most obvious by now. or from a different perspective, another person may read this and automatically assume that i'm referring to himself/herself, but they're wrong, because i'm not referring to them at all, but i know that they will definitely think that i am referring to them. or you may not even ever read this. i like it. i like how there's so much uncertainty and ambiguousness, because that's just half the fun, isn't it? never quite being sure, always an alternative interpretation waiting to be unleashed.

oh yea, i almost forgot to add this to the list:

- sam and me both finding out in our own separate ways that MIT medical is totally useless, yet very fast and efficient....VERY.....dun dun dunnnnnnn....lol

well, so it looks like i managed to survive my first semester here at college. it was kinda like going in and out of hell (i think i had a conversation a couple days ago with john about visiting hell and stuff...i can't really remember what it was about, i only remember that part of the inspiration was from watching alex play diablo). but i guess i've learned a buttload of stuff while i've been here, and not just academically. back home in houston now, but not sure if i'm gonna enjoy it or not as long as i stay home. anyways, i've decided to start up my blog again (inspired by tony) to the extent that i'll actually remember to post....so i suppose i'll start off with a recap of what i can remember of this semester right now (in no particular order):

-FAP...soo much craziness
- Sigma Nu (i love those guys!!!! too much awesomeness and stuff associated with those guys to type everything out right now..huge thanks to joe for introducing me to everyone =P)
- sodium drop
- being kicked in the ass by all my classes
- my crazy but super-cool floor Conner 3!!!
- astro telling jokes in the 323 suite
- celebrating my 18th birthday at both sigma nu (thanks issao and ron ron for the cake!!!) and at the dorm (thanks to mavis)
- ron ron being stuck on campus at 3 am
- my roomie mavis!!!! (killing ants, beanbag chairs, not waking up to alarm clocks! crew-ho/frat-ho..hehe and so much more....)
- sigma nu parties and dancing till 4 am
- randomly watching "lion king" with issao, sam, jenny, jeremy
- awesome concert with sam and howie
- GTA San Andreas! (lol with brian, lauren, and keith all yelling "press the triangle! press the triangle!")
- all the damn physics psets
- brainstorming all edible things that start with a "B" with charlie and bryan (pete's contribution: "how about baboon?")
- beach with sigma nu (the sand toilet!)
- Mana and La Oreja de Van Gogh!!! (313 is officially the coolest suite EVER)
- finding out that Conner 4 is pretty DAMN COOL
- the huge water fight during orientation! West vs. East!
- john's obsession with video games
- playing smash brothers with alex, john, steph, margaret
- batya and john stealing my texas flag!
- SNOW!!!!!! (jeff, alex, chen, me went outside to play in the snow, chen made a snow pig, the rest of us pelted each other with snow, later nicola, astro, levi, and others show up too)
- getting the best secret santa present ever
- escaping a certain..uhh..person on the floor above me
- trick -or-treating with chen, mavis, jiji, ericka, sally
- tennis ball hunting!!
- running down the hall and slamming into mattresses with jay and levi
- playing clue with john and alex
- penguins!
- dammit, i know where wisconsin is! =P
- playing hoedowns for conner 3
- alex's and john's obsession with taking my keys
- all the awesome mccormick ppl + kenny
- the insanely strong mccormick coffee
- doubleshots!
- red bull making me fall dead asleep
- m.c. escher puzzles
- stealing john's slippers
- karoake night with conner 3
- leo!
- being tickled half to death by levi


can't really think of anything else right now to write. be back in boston in a matter of weeks.