so we have it, the old feelings of ennui are back again. i always think that christmas vacation is way too long. two weeks. GEEZ. what do i do for two weeks at home without a mode of transportation around the place.

anyways, i'm just griping needlessly. i could talk on AIM, but curiously enough, i've found that i don't really like talking on AIM anymore. i rarely IM ppl first anymore, unless it's to say happy birthday or something. and even when people IM me i don't usually keep up the thread of conversation very well (except in some occasions when the conversation happens to interest me), namely for several reasons: 1) there's usually about 5 other conversations going on at the same time, 2) i get too distracted by things/ppl around me. hooray for shiny things, 3) it's so much more meaningful/fun/interesting to talk to people in real life. you can see how they react, their emotions, etc. this is why i don't think that a long distance relationship would ever work for me. maybe it would work if i was really zealous/in love or whatever they call it nowadays, but there's just too much other stuff around me to keep me well distracted. i'm already distracted and absent-minded as it is, i need a physical presence to keep me well grounded.

(side note: i used to think that i could pull thru a long-distance relationship just fine. but it proved to be otherwise for me. perhaps it was mostly my fault. and that is why i applaud and hold a deep respect for those who have managed to do it)

well, u say. self-control. ok fine, but when you're merely a voice on the other end of the phone or typed-in words popping up in an AIM window, it's not the same. oh yea i forgot to mention, i'm a physical person. i need physical presence. that's just the way i am i guess. is that wrong though? i've always wondered about that but never really asked anyone about that. i suppose different people have different opinions, so that's another moral debate that i won't try to muddle with.

but on the other, simply and solely "physical" does not work for me. while talking to people, i observe them, take mental notes of what they do when they listen, what they do when they talk, how they react to various things i say. and i love it because they never realize i'm doing it. different people see me in different ways because of the way i present myself to them. oh, i'm absent-minded, lacking common sense, and gullible, those are three characteristics of me that will never change. but i especially love it when people think that i'm more dumb than i actually am (no sarcasm). more so, i'm amused by it, and as a result, don't really try to make an effort to change that image (well it depends on who i'm dealing with, and if that person really matters or not). yea, you may argue that this is a pretty damn stupid thing to do. and i know i'm playing a pretty dangerous game by doing that, but that's the beauty of it. i'll leave it up to you to interpret that statement however you wish.

you see, i really like people and hate to think that i don't get along with some ppl....and i really do care about them. i'm too trusting - i always trust a person until they do something that proves that they're not trustable. innocent until proven guilty, i guess. but when proven guilty, it takes a long time for me to trust in them again. i hate rumors. i especially hate rumors being spread about me that aren't true. it's even worse when adults are fucking hypocrites themselves and spread the rumors. oh, ok i'm griping again, even tho this happened like a year ago. unfortunately, rather than knowing who the exact people are, i only have a general knowledge of in which group these people belong in. what a shame, because now i have a bad image of that entire group, even though i know that most of them didn't even have anything to do with it. ay, que pena! oh wait...what was it again? forgive and forget? interesting. i can forgive, but it's pretty hard to forget. so does that mean that i didn't REALLY forgive then? these little complexities always do amuse me so. but it makes everything so confusing. why? religion confuses me. physics confuses me as well. hm. not a good combination.

i'm wondering why i just wrote all that for the public to read, especially since my blog has gotten me in trouble more than once. but then, i guess it remains up to you, the reader, to determine whether or not i've been lying the entire time i've been writing this post. scary thought, isn't it? i could just totally be making up things the entire time, creating a dual false personality for myself. i wonder if that's how authors feel sometimes when creating characters for a book.

but the question is if i lie or not. well, i'm pretty damn bad at lying to someone when talking to them face to face, cuz i start laughing at the idea of "what if they don't realize i'm lying?"but what if i'm on blog? what if i don't face anyone at all? what if people think that i'm lying when i'm not and what if people think that i'm not lying when i am?


damn books. they make me think too much. i love reading.