HAHA. ok i want to know who linked to my blog by typing "chris javadi" into a search engine..lol

but in other words, i guess it's time for some reflection. reflection on what? i'm not so sure myself. reflection on this year? reflection on years passed? as my blog entries have never quite had a coherent flow to them and as i always tend to just write whatever pops in my head at the time (which, trust me, is probably a bad idea....i've gotten in trouble in the past for what i've written on the blog. mostly because i keep forgetting that people actually read this thing), i guess you'll find out as you continue reading.

so if you've known me long enough by now, you'll know that, let's face it, i'm an idealist. i don't live in the present. i live only in the past and in the speculative future. i belive in reality only because i am part of it. it's hard to explain it, and it's one of those things that you may not understand even if i do manage to explain it - because it's one of those things that you have to feel yourself. i live in a fantasy world full of knights in shining armor and magical creatures. so cliche, i know. and no, i'm not hallucinating. perhaps that's why i feel that i am constantly in a struggle.

a struggle towards something that i'm never able to quite obtain. in my dreams, i'm always chasing after something, or being chased by something, or fighting/struggling against an unknown entity. i sometimes wonder who the enemy is. "The enemy's gate is down." ten points if you can correctly name the book(s) that quote is from. Is the enemy's gate really always down? i know that i may be interpreting the quote in the wrong context, but to say that the enemy's gate is always DOWN seems to place the enemy at a distance from oneself. two separate identities. el enemigo y usted tienen identidades diferentes. pues, es verdad? what if the enemy is yourself? not saying that we all have split personalities and whatnot, but what if you all of a sudden wake up and find that you're fighting yourself? maybe not necessarily physically fighing yourself, but maybe something more like you're fighting internally against some inner desire, urge, of yours. i don't know. this year has so stripped me of so much confidence that sometimes i wonder what it is that i still DO know. does that make any sense at all?

i sometimes feel like i'm losing my ability to write. losing the motivation to write. i remember when i used to write in my blog almost daily. i remember when i'd write to...to...to someone almost daily. i just went back and read everything that we used to write to each other. and afterwards, now, i'm not really sure what i'm feeling about that. i guess it was nice when it lasted, but life moves on, i guess. maybe i'm just being callous here, but i'm trying very hard to not get emotional.

no. don't get me wrong. i have long since completely turned around and not turning back again. fate works on funny ways indeed, don't you think? i don't quite remember anymore (or is it because i don't let myself remember anymore..?), but when we broke up back then i guess i had been like, oh why the hell is this happening to me, blah blah. but things happen. and you meet different people. and new people. and new things happen. you meet different people and different points in your life, and curiously enough (for me at least), i always seem to meet those people at the points in my life when i most needed to meet that certain person. i can certainly attest for that from personal experience this year at school. and i can attest to that from this past summer at Rice, too. everytime i think about how i actually did NOT want to apply to that program at first, i want to laugh. the people i met there were...just amazing. you know how sometimes the simplest words convey the strongest meanings? i could rave on for paragraphs about how much i loved these people, but i think that the strongest meaning comes through if i just simply describe them as "amazing." keeping the description short and powerful, because i can't describe it any other way. i mean, that's where i met my best friend. now what would have happened if i hadn't gone to that summer program? not sure, but there definitely would have been a bigger gap in my life. sometimes you just meet people who influence you and your life and the way you think forever. i met a handful of people like that in high school. i met a TON of people like that in the summer right after high school. and right now, it's back to the useful handful, and i can't quite figure out why, and it's bugging the hell outta me.

a couple weeks ago, i was talking on AIM to an old friend from home who now goes to stanford, and i don't remember what it was (ok, actually that's a lie. i do remember what it was, but i don't want to write about it now though), but all of a sudden, that something that he said, it just hit me like crazy. hit me so hard that i had to close my room door because i didn't want anyone else to hear me, or to come in unexpectedly and find me in that condition. and i saw how the people there and the people here are different, and i knew that it would never be the same.

ok, that was a bad idea. i shouldn't have brought up that topic, because i don't want to explain more than i already have. oh man, whoever's reading this blog and has actually gotten this far, i applaud you, because by this time it's probably getting pretty damn hard to figure out what the hell i'm talking about.




i babble on and on mostly because i realize that i kinda actually miss you and only by talking (writing) so much does it actually help me fill the void, because i can pretend like you're here listening to me ramble on and on. and the funny thing is...you don't even know that it's you. you'll read this and wonder who i'm referring to, but you'll never guess that it's yourself. you'll think that it's someone else, and you'll wonder why i'm writing this to that person, but you will overlook what should be the most obvious by now. or from a different perspective, another person may read this and automatically assume that i'm referring to himself/herself, but they're wrong, because i'm not referring to them at all, but i know that they will definitely think that i am referring to them. or you may not even ever read this. i like it. i like how there's so much uncertainty and ambiguousness, because that's just half the fun, isn't it? never quite being sure, always an alternative interpretation waiting to be unleashed.