Lately, I find that I've been wondering about blog format. I used to just blog whatever first came to mind, usually a blurb about whatever kind of day I had and whatever funny/weird/interesting happened that day. I was actually looking back on my posts from senior year around October - December and it struck me as funny that I actually had that much nothingness to say.

So why do we blog anyways? I never quite figured that out, especially seeing how I've tried to stop blogging several times and it never worked (hey, it's like trying to quit smoking, except I don't smoke. In the end, I think it boils down to comments. We are human. We like attention. Therefore, if we put out such a blatant display of our own ideas to the public, it must mean that we crave attention right? Why else did xangas come attached with commenting functions? Why else did all these message boards pop up on blogs? And why else do we have all these tracking functions that can keep track of who comes to visit my blog, where they're from, how long they were on the website, etc?

I mean, I'll admit it, I like attention, and I've long since come to the conclusion that the only reason I actually write in my blog is because of that. Which doesn't really bother me too much anyways, since that is my nature. Why else did yall think that I'm so social around the dorm and other places? Ok, well it's also because I just talk a lot and seem to like talking to people and finding out all about them and making my own analyses of these people as well.

But that's not entirely true. I actually don't really like talking all that much. I like to talk, but I like to listen more, because what do I learn from you if I do all the talking? It ticks me off (a lot, even though I never show it) when I'm talking to people, and I end up being the one who has to force the conversation on. It's not hard for me to do so, but it annoys me to hell. I'm NOT that interesting to talk to, and I get tired of hearing myself talk as well. I may seem loud and rash and social on the outside, but in reality, I can be pretty antisocial and not give a damn about it. If I choose to lock myself in my room and read and not talk to people, I will do it.

The thing is....I don't understand when I became that way. I remember that I used to be really shy and not talk to anyone. Then I became really social. And now I'm starting to become antisocial. I can't explain it, but sometimes now I feel that it doesn't really matter to me if I don't talk to people all the time. Yet, unless you know me well, you'll probably never see that side of me.

I don't know what it is. I'm obviously not depressed right now, because I know what depression feels like. I feel like I'm trapped inside something, or maybe something is trapped inside of me. But I'm not worried. I actually just feel a sense of mild amusement. What is it? What is it that I can't see? Who am I? What determines my being? Why does it matter?

geez. I told you I was a messed-up kid.