i think i know what the root of the problem is - i just can't stand being idle and useless....which explains perfectly my attitude towards, well, everything and everyone. and which explains why i dislike summer vacation so much after like a week of it. well, maybe things will change when i get back to boston and get so busy that i don't have time for anything or anybody. story of my life, yea.

in reflection, there hasn't been much that's changed since high school, and that often makes me wonder - is it going to be the same way when i go to med school? and what about after that? it's no wonder that people say that history tends to repeat itself.

the people who can see through it always ask me why i'm constantly unhappy, which always takes me by surprise at first. how did they know? and then i realize that like everyone else around me, i'm just faking it. in today's society, we increasingly know how to fake things.

i always tell people that if i REALLY don't like them, they'll know it, because i make sure to be pretty blatant about who i REALLY don't like. and that's true. that's one thing i don't fake. but i sometimes wish that i could be that way about everyone. what if i like someone for the most part, but there's just certain things about that person that just really gets at me? i wish i could just come completely clean about everyone and tell everyone to their face exactly what i think about them. but that would be a dumb move, especially at this time point. and especially since everyone else around you is faking it as well.

i have to be careful now as to who i confide in, because honestly, people are people. and people talk. i suppose you could say that i've lost trust in a lot of people, but yet, i have to continue on faking it, pretending that i still trust them.

how do i know that i'm faking it? because i'm always more direct and a whole lot meaner when i write than when i talk to someone face to face.

i suppose blogging serves as some sort of facade...you write things, knowing that they'll be read by the general public...you write about things that you wouldn't directly tell someone, but you write it in the hopes that maybe they'll read it. but in the end, the people who read it either pretend that it wasn't written, or they pretend that they don't read your blog....or they solicitously ask you "what's wrong?"

what about those people who seriously never talk to you really, but when they see some upsetting post or away message (funny how in today's society we rely so heavily on blogging and AIM to convey how we feel), they immediately ask you what's wrong. in a way, i'm glad that people out there..care...but on the other hand, i can't help wondering...are they just asking because they care or because they want to know? i mean, let's face it - humans by nature are nosy. for example, facebook. i'll admit i'm nosy as well. the only difference lies in how well that nosiness is concealed.


and yet, i still can't help but assume the best in people, all the time. deep down, i really like people, and i really think that people are good, and i really want to trust everyone. which is what leads to my disillusionment and disappointment so often.