and i sit here..staring at the screen, begging it silently to talk to me..i need someone.. i need anyone..anyone who will understand..to understand that i can't take it any more. i can't stand being oppressed anymore. to be waiting for this year for so long - to have let relationships deteriorate, hurting inside as i watched them deteriorate. i didn't want to let it happen. i thought this year would be differnt. i waited for this year for 11 years...i thought i could make up for it all this year...i was wrong..i don't understand why they won't let me..i don't understand why they don't understand...i don't sit inside and study and practice all day..my nature doesn't allow me to do that - and yet, for 11 years, that is what i have done..i have sat and i have studied and i have practiced..i have given up so much of my social life outside of school, and i did that all for them, so that they would let me regain some of it back this year..and now they won't let me.. i understand their point of view. i understand that they want me to spend this last year trying to get into a good college. i understand that they want me to practice so that i can send in a good tape. but i don't understand why i cannot do this while spending this last year with other people too. it's the last year i'll ever see some of them again. on the other hand, i'll be more or less forced to still see my family every year. not that i don't want to (..or don't i??) i'm just sick of it. i hate being caged up, as i have caged myself up for the last 11 years...and now, when i try to break out of that cage, THEY now turn into the ones who try to cage me back up again...do they not understand all that i have sacrificed?.. i try to talk to them, and it is like talkign to a brick wall..or even worse. i don't know what to do. i don't know if i can go on. to be disappointed after so many years of waiting. i don't know if i have the will to pick myself up and keep going anymore...i don't even know if i want to anymore